Love between two people
What is marriage? There are many who would question this due to questions surrounding gay marriage. I have another reason to question this. Mine is very personal. Mine has religious as well as legal ramifications.
This is my religious dilemma:
When I married I insisted on getting married in a church because this was something I believed strongly in. When I married I took my vows very seriously. The circumstances surrounding my marriage were a bit unusual and this added to the strong beliefs behind my marriage. I had known my husband for only a month and a half via phone conversations. I flew to St Louis to meet him and we got married the same day. We knew, in our hearts, that God had brought us together. Due to my past, I prayed from the moment I stepped off the airplane, while standing in line at the court and up until the time I said “I DO” at the church. I prayed that God would watch over us and I asked to be led to do God’s will; if this was his will that he would bless us in this marriage ceremony. I prayed and I prayed and we were married. I went into this marriage knowing that I made my vows with God as my witness. I believed in my vows till death do us part. I believed in my vows for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer…….I believed and I promised to fulfill these vows.
My dilemma is compounded by legal matters.
I have been married for four years now. Even through all the trials, we have tried to work together. Out of nowhere I receive a call from my husband’s first wife. They are not divorced….which means I am not married…or am I? Does it make a difference that he was not a husband to me even when we believed ourselves to be married? Does it make a difference that my husband has asked God for forgiveness and I truly believe that God will judge me to the same extend I judge others? In my mind, I must forgive and not judge my husband just as I would ask God (and my husband) to forgive me. I am not married legally, however, the question remains………am I married in God’s eyes?
Marriage; a covenant
The pressure builds
The disappointments mount
The disrespect grows
And yet it is usually something small that will put you over the edge
The last straw
How much hurt is one person supposed to take
The problems were getting worse. The drug use was getting worse and he was taking more money. He wrote out checks and signed my name which caused me to overdraw at the bank. He didn’t seem to care if I could pay the bills or not; all he cared about is his drug. His cheating with prostitutes was getting worse. The one thing that was better is that he hadn’t put his hands on me all this time. Now, that had also changed. I had made a comment about his cheating on me with prostitutes and he put his hands around my neck and started shaking me vigorously. He said it was because of my mouth….why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut. It is funny how these serious things were not what finally broke me. The beginning of the end was because he pawned his wedding ring. He had always told me that he would not take off his wedding ring for anything. Now I knew he cared more about his addictions than he cared about our marriage. To realize that he would spend money on drugs and other women and he would pawn his wedding ring to do that was the last final confirmation I needed to know our marriage was over. This was the most disrespectful thing he could have ever done to me.
I was numb to my feelings because it was easier to stay numb then to hurt.
His made some decisions that would change my heart forever. The final steps he took showed me that I couldn’t help him anymore. He didn’t want help. First he sold our Mac computer for an $85 rock. This computer had all our business information on it and it had all his music on it. His music was his life so for him to sell this showed me he didn’t care about anything anymore. The next thing he did was that he told me that he could get $750 for my camera. (He latter he told me he would not have taken it, I don’t believe this) I started taking my camera with me everywhere I went because I was afraid he would take it and this was the one and only thing I had left that meant anything to me. I was always on edge and couldn’t take living like this anymore so I finally agreed to give him the $750. I gave him all of my bill money. He said he would be gone for a minimum of three months. I asked him to not contact me. I told him to leave and not ever look back. The money didn’t matter as much as him leaving and not returning. No matter how much it hurt to see him go, I needed the hurt to go away. He used up the money in two days and came back to the house. I couldn’t believe he was back. I had finally convinced myself that I would be okay without him and I was prepared to be without him in my life. After a few days, I asked him what it would take for him to leave and not ever look back. He said for me to get him a ticket to his hometown and give him $300 spending cash. I borrowed the money, got him a flight and gave him the cash he asked for. Again, I asked that he leave and not ever look back.
I was done. I could finally breathe again and not have to worry about being hurt in any way…mentally, physically…or financially. With him gone, I could finally heal.
After only a couple of days he called me and was on his way home. Things did not go the way he expected in his home town. He learned that I was the only one who loved and cared about him…I couldn’t take it anymore.
When he got back he went straight to rehab. He had them pick him up at the airport and I didn’t even see him.
A week later, it was 2 am and I was asleep. I woke up suddenly because the light in my bedroom turned on. There he was standing at the foot of our bed. Shocked….I felt like I was going to pass out.
He was home for two weeks. It was during this time that I was in the process of trying to get my house re-financed. He showed me he could be a true husband. He helped me around the house; he cleaned and painted and showed me love and respect. I came home from work in the middle of the day and asked him if he was high. He held me so lovingly and promised me that he was not; he promised me that he would tell me if he got the urge. When I got home at lunch, he was high. This was the end; I asked him to leave and told him ONCE again I did not ever want to see him again. I told him if he was not gone by the time I got home after work, I would call his PO. I told him I didn’t want him hurt; I just wanted him gone and it was his decision on how he was going to leave. He said he would be gone and I locked the doors with him in the backyard. I got home from work and he was still in the back yard. I told him he needed to leave before the police got there and he would not leave. It took a couple of hours until he finally left; his PO and the police arrived and soon after found him sitting at a bus stop near our house.
The way he held me was the same as he did our first night in St. Louis when he told me I would not ever have to be afraid again. I didn’t think he could hurt me worse than he already had; this hug was the most disrespectful thing and the most hurtful feeling he could impose on me….the way we began is the way we would end…with a hug filled with so much love.
I have heard that God only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle
He must think awfully high of me
I really can’t handle this any more
My husband came home and I was in 7th heaven. I was so excited to begin my long awaited fairytale. I knew in my heart that we would be okay and our dreams would come true. We had worked so hard at understanding each other and at studying God’s word so we would live the right way. The things he did after he came home from prison would destroy all the trust that we had built up while he was gone. The promises he made, were nothing but words.
To love someone unconditionally
Imagine your Highest Highs
The things that I lost cannot ever be replaced by anyone except the person that took them
Time to heal
We had met the day we got married so we really didn’t know each other. We were able to change this during the course of the time he was gone. We were able to use this time to heal and to grow together. We talked in length about everything that had happened and why. We discussed how we felt and what we needed to do to help each other. We learned to trust each other; we learned to believe in each other. Most of all we used this time to grow in Christ. Many people would say that everyone finds God in prison. I say that is great, because it is the story of the prodigal son. God makes good of all evil if you allow him to and if you believe and ask. We asked and we believed. We took this time to start up our non-profit to help others. We could use our experiences to help someone else. For that reason it would all be worth it. God has a reason for all things; this was our reason. My husband expressed our feelings best when he put the saying on his back…”embracing the struggle”. I could hope again…I could believe again…I was excited about our future.
Anything bad can be turned into good
I cannot think
I have no feelings
My heart is gone
My husband went to prison. Many people would say: “Good that is what he deserves”, however that is not the way I look at it. When people hear my story, many gasp and say “oh my gosh”, however that is not the response I needed.
After my husband was arrested, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever felt. I didn’t know things could get worse in my mind. I didn’t know there could be a new level of giving up on my life. To say I felt like a failure or to say I couldn’t think straight or to try to express my feelings in any way, would not express the depression I was in. I lost over 40 lbs. I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t sleep. It took every bit of energy I had to be able to talk to anyone because I just wanted to be alone. I tried to be the person everyone expected me to be and that only caused me to feel worse. Everyone wanted me to hate my husband, they wanted me to not ever forgive him or even talk to him again. I couldn’t do that. Remember, the one thing I have always liked about myself is that I am “too nice”. I don’t judge and I don’t get mad at anyone. I hated myself for causing my husband pain. I hated myself for causing my children pain. I hated myself for causing my parents pain. I hated myself for all the decisions I had made that affected everyone’s life in a negative way. In order to heal, I had to get back to being me because if I couldn’t like myself, I could not ever move forward.
I was afraid to be in my house alone. The quiet would ring in my ears and no matter how I tried to stop it, it wouldn’t go away. I found myself pacing the floors and breaking down for what appeared to be no reason. First my heart would start beating so fast it hurt; then I would feel sick to my stomach and my body would feel hot and flushed; then my head would feel like it was going to explode. I would start to hyperventilate and feel like passing out. My emotions were uncontrollable, I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t concentrate on anything; even when I realized my mind was drifting, I could not control where it went. If only I could make my mind not remember. If only I could replace the memories with something good. I struggled within my mind because I couldn’t figure out if I was afraid to be home because of the events that had taken place or because of being alone. All I knew is my heart would start to pound as soon as I got in the house. The harder I tried the worse I felt and the deeper my depression became. I was always the person that handled all problems and made sure everyone was okay, why couldn’t I handle this? What was wrong with me? Was I losing my mind? I am not a stupid person, why couldn’t I control my thoughts? Why couldn’t I figure out what was right and what was wrong? My mind would tell me I should be a certain way and my heart would tell me something different. All I could think of was going to sleep and never waking up. My life was now consumed with two main thoughts; 1st to find a way to pay my bills, pay for my funeral and have everything in order so my husband and children would not have to deal with anything after I was gone; 2nd to be sure my youngest daughter was okay since she was the only child not living on her own I needed to know she would be okay when I was gone. I tried to tell myself that my being gone would cause my family even more pain…if I could convince myself of this maybe I could stop thinking of dying. I couldn’t’…I couldn’t convince myself because all I could see is the hurt everyone was feeling and it was all my fault. I felt like I was a bad person and that I was being selfish because I didn’t want to be mad, I wanted to forgive, I wanted to find a way to work things out…my wants were causing others pain and again my mind told me that everyone would be better off without me. The struggle going on within myself was taking over my life. It is a feeling I cannot describe…to be sad would have been a happy state of mind compared to what I was feeling. I just wanted to feel peace….why couldn’t I feel peace?
I went to a doctor for help and was put on some sort of anti-depressants. They took the edge off, however it didn’t take long for me to realize I felt like a zombie with no feelings at all. Which is worse…no emotions or extreme emotions? I went to counseling groups to try to understand my feelings. I couldn’t find support for the feelings I was experiencing because of the different levels of my depression. Groups that dealt with abuse, told me to be strong and to prepare myself. They focused on how to protect myself. Groups that dealt with addiction, told me to distance myself from the problem and to not take responsibility for “his” problem. Individuals that I tried to talk to, told me to not believe in my husband and to get away from him. No one seemed to understand the core of my depression. It was not the abuse or the addictions it was the struggle within myself. Nothing helped….it only made me feel worse. I felt like my mind was going to explode. I couldn’t think straight because everything in my mind conflicted with my heart.
I guess I can admit that my depression was due to my husband’s actions. However, it is not due to the things he did. It is because of his actions, I was forced into a struggle within myself because of my inner most feelings and beliefs. There is no way to express what I felt like, there is no way to explain the thought process I was struggling with because to say the words out loud would mean I would have to live with what others thought of me. I would be labeled as “stupid” or “naive” or even “weird” and “not normal”.
Everyone thought they understood my depression, they even said it was “normal after what I had gone through.” Everyone knew what was best for me…However no one knew who I was. I was/am not a person who holds a grudge or who judges. I was/am not a person who thinks negatively about situations. I was depressed because I felt guilty for causing pain to everyone. I was depressed because I couldn’t express myself without being judged or labeled negatively. I was depressed because I felt like I was causing separation between my family, because of my beliefs. I was depressed because no one understood that I loved my husband and all I wanted was for him to get better so we could resume our life together. I was depressed because I couldn’t be me…I had to not get upset if they talked bad about my husband…I had to act as if I was ready to end my marriage…I had to pretend to be someone that I was not.
I made a commitment to my husband till death do us part. I made a promise to God that I would do everything in my power to honor my marriage. I believe in forgiveness. There is a difference between forgiving someone and knowing the things they did were wrong. It is not my place to judge the things that happened. It is my place to forgive as I would want God to forgive me for the wrong things I have done.
If I cannot live according to God’s will
I would rather not live on this earth
When in school, it is called bullying, as adults it is abuse. The effects of childhood bullying can lead to how a person feels about themselves and can lead to adult abuse both for the abuser and the abused.
help us help our youth
It was my fairytale
Everything I ever dreamed of.
After all that I had been through,
After all the neglect, abuse, lying and cheating,
I finally found the man that would love me for me.
It started with a phone call to help a friend. The calls were short with messages to a mutual friend about his son. Until one day we started to talk about the Bible. We connected in such a way, it was like a whirlwind. We were so alike and yet complete opposites. It had been a long time since I felt this type of connection, the feeling of being accepted for being the person I am. The phrase “you are too nice” has been told to me all my life. Being nice was the one thing I liked about myself. I couldn’t understand why this was always said to me in a negative way. Maybe I was “too nice”…… I always tried to find the good in people and I always tried to believe in people. You would think I would have learned since every relationship I was in proved to me, that I was wrong. Every relationship that I believed in turned out to be a lie. Now I found someone that could relate to my every hurt. I found someone who had been hurt and betrayed to the same degree as I had.
We were exactly the same and completely opposite. We had both recently been in the same type of relationship on opposite sides. He was in prison and his significant other left him, cheated on him and did not stand by him in his time of need. I was engaged to a man in prison and I stood by him for 10 years until he cheated on me and left me as soon as he got out. He is black, I am Hispanic. He is in his early 40’s, I am in my mid 50’s. He grew up on the street, I had a “normal” childhood. We both knew the same type of hurt and understood each other. Our two opposite sides…our two halves could be put together to make a whole. He was tired just as I was. God brought us together for a reason. We could help each other to get over our insecurities and the hurt that had built up in our hearts.
We talked on the phone for about a month and a half and then I flew to St. Louis to meet him. We got married the same day…My fairytale had begun.
All my life I felt left out. I felt like the “black sheep” in every situation……like I was different, like I didn’t fit in. The weekend in St Louis was one of the best weekends of my life. I felt like I belonged and like I was accepted. I will not ever forget the way he held out his hand for me when we walked. I will not ever forget the way he held me when I told him my stories of being abused, the way he told me I would not ever have to flinch again because he would always protect me and not ever hurt me. These things probably seem small to most people, but they were HUGE to me. These were the types of things that defined love for me because I had not experienced them in my past. There are no words to explain the feelings that these two actions gave me. The way he made me feel; took away the pain of my past relationships. He told me he would treat me like a queen and that is exactly what I felt like. I knew i would not ever be alone again. I knew we were one and our love would only grow stronger as we got to know each other and share our lives. It is not often you can find someone that understands your inner most feelings because they also have those same feelings. My husband is a singer/songwriter, he expressed his love for me in songs he wrote and he sang them to me with so much love in his eyes that my eyes would fill with tears when he sang them. I was in a fairytale dream...
I felt special
I felt like I belonged
I could believe, hope & smile again
I could love again
I could be me and still be loved
Fairytales do come true
or at least I thought they did...
I have been abused
Mentally, Emotionally & Physically
I have been betrayed
Lied to and cheated on
I have had my belongings and money taken from me
I have lived with a crack addict
And had to live his life instead of mine
I have been hurt so bad
All I could think about is how to end my life.
Worst of All
I have lost myself
The me that was is no longer
In my mind, the only way out was to get out. My mind was consumed with what I needed to do in order to end my life and be sure everything was in order so no one would be left with any of my problems. I had these thoughts on two different levels. 1st I knew I had to do something to myself before things got so bad that my husband would do something to me and he would have to pay for it. I couldn’t let my death be on his hands. 2nd I knew that I caused my children too much pain and stress and they would be better off without me. The hurt I felt for causing my family pain and stress was too much to handle and this was the only way to make it up to them.
I know some of the things I am about to disclose are considered taboo. I know this because when I tell my story, I suddenly have no friends left, no one wants to associate with me for fear my bad luck might rub off on them.
I’m telling you these things in hopes of helping someone else who may be going through the same types of pains. My life was turned upside down and I was ready to give up. The things I will be telling you in the next few posts may not seem real and may detail some shocking events, however I can guarantee they are real. Please don’t judge me until you hear the whole story.
If you have ever been abused…If you have ever been betrayed…If you have ever been hurt so bad...If you ever felt like dying was an option to relieve the pain…
Have you ever wanted to be loved so bad, you turned to someone or something that harmed your life in ways you never thought possible?
Everything in life is a gift from God.
He has allowed us to live through every experience.
He has given us knowledge and wisdom from every experience.
We do not know his reason
Maybe it is so that one day we can help someone else in the same situation.
Previous PostsMarriage #15, posted March 17th, 2013
Beggining of the End #13, posted March 11th, 2013
Betrayed #12, posted January 20th, 2013
Crash #11, posted January 20th, 2013
Healing #10, posted January 20th, 2013, 1 comment
Depression #9, posted January 19th, 2013
childhood bullying hurts, posted January 9th, 2013
My Fairytale #2, posted October 28th, 2012, 1 comment
My Life #1, posted October 28th, 2012
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